I was browsing through Tweets today for a bit when I ran across a link someone had posted to what was presumably a blog post. It was entitled, “Do you apologize to your kids?” I didn’t follow the link because I wanted to write my own thoughts on the subject without any other input.
My answer is yes, I do apologize to my kids. I’m sure there are plenty of parents out there who think that it shows weakness to tell their kids they’re sorry, but I believe it’s just the opposite. Parents need to worry less about appearing weak and more about being a good example for their kids. Decent, compassionate human beings apologize when they hurt someone or otherwise wrong them.
If I yell at my kids or lose my temper for no good reason, I apologize. I say, “Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you when I shouldn’t have. I’m feeling really crabby right now and everything is getting on my nerves, but that’s still no excuse to yell,” or something to that effect. In one short lesson I’m teaching them that A. it’s good and necessary to apologize when appropriate; B. even though we all feel irritable sometimes, that doesn’t give us the right to treat anyone with any less respect than they should be treated; and C. I’m human too and I mess up on occasion (well, more than that, but they don’t need to hear a list of all my transgressions).
I do not, however, apologize when I yell at them because they aren’t listening or when I discipline them because they chose to misbehave. Those things are just part of parenting and apologies aren’t necessary. I’m talking about saying I’m sorry because I acted in a way I wouldn’t approve of them acting. It may be easy to think, “Well, I’m the adult, I shouldn’t have to apologize,” but it’s not about us being the authority figures; again, it’s about us being good examples of how a person should behave. When we mess up, it’s our responsibility to teach our kids how to rectify the situation as much as possible.
How about you? Do you apologize to your kids?
*originally posted at Parenting By Trial and Error
We know we can’t do everything, so why do we try?
More importantly, why do we constantly beat ourselves up for not being able to do it all? I know there are countless times a week when I mentally berate myself for not getting X, Y and Z done. Am I alone here or is this pretty typical?
It seems like guilt is just second nature for many of us, particularly females. For me personally though, I think guilt is, sadly, one of my closest companions. Am I taking on more than I can handle? Trying to do so many things that none of them gets done very well?
Probably.
So what, if anything, can I do about this? Cut some stuff out? Start saying “no” more often? Set alarms for myself?
I haven’t figured out the solution yet.
In the meantime, I would love to find just one woman who is happy with the way she balances her life and feels relatively no guilt or regret and learn her secret. Does such a person exist? Everyone I know is over-taxed, over-scheduled, over-worked and on their way to a slow burnout.
Juggling work, family, friends, leisure time and other commitments is exhausting. I realize it’s just part of life, but there’s got to be an easier way to balance everything. My life feels very out of balance right now.
I am responsible for four school-age children during the week, making sure that everyone gets on the bus in the morning, has their homework done, takes a shower, eats good food, gets to bed at a decent time, possesses clean clothing, gets delivered and picked up from their activities and receives some semblance of personal attention in the few hours we have between school and bed time. I’m also trying to grow a business during an extremely slow economic time, which sucks up most of my extra hours with all the marketing, writing and researching.
Along with that, I do book keeping for the family business, advertising and proofreading for a scholarly journal, blog most week days, and try to maintain a humongous old farm house with 5 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, as well as a several-acre yard. Between those things, my church activities, a bit of down time here and a couple tax-return activities, including an audit, I’m having a hard time pulling it all off. It seems like I’m working almost all the time, if I’m not making meals for the kids, helping them with their homework, going to volleyball games or running errands. Even on weekends, when the kids are often at their dad’s house, I am crazy-busy.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this as I’m sure the guilt-ridden juggling act is standard for many of us. How do you cope? Do you have any special tools (Merry Maids, a planner, a weekly baby-sitter)? When you feel your life becoming unbalanced, how do you take inventory and decide what has to go?
Discuss!
*** Cross-posted on Parenting By Trial and Error.
One thing I’ve learned about being a parent is that picking your battles is immeasurably important, otherwise you’re going to be fighting a lot of them. In fact, I’m a firm believer that this is one of the most important aspects of parenting.
I used to be guilty of getting after the kids for what now seem like silly reasons, mostly when my daughters were young. I soon realized, though, that I was spending way too much of my time saying, “No, don’t do that” and not nearly enough time enjoying my girls. I realized that this wasn’t how I wanted them to remember me and decided that before I get upset about something, I need to think about whether or not it’s really worth the battle.
This is not to say that there is no discipline in our house. Of course there is. If I want to turn out responsible, kind, reliable, honest, hard-working adults someday, there has to be discipline. I’m talking about the little things, the things that I might not particularly like or want them to do, but that just aren’t worth a battle.
When Rachel wears an outfit that doesn’t particularly match, I let her know that it doesn’t, but since it doesn’t bother her, I let her wear it. When Logan plays with PlayDoh and mixes it all together, even though I’d like him to keep the colors separate, I let him mix all he wants. When Cody insists on wearing his Spiderman costume from Halloween to bed, even though it’s ridiculously tight and coming apart, I let him wear it. My rule of thumb is that as long as their actions aren’t hurting or endangering anyone, and as long as there are no moral issues involved, I will let them do it. Since I don’t get on their cases for everything, they listen better when I do because they know the things I do fight for are important.
Battles worth fighting are ones such as what TV shows my kids watch; how much time they spend watching TV and playing on the computer versus how much time they spend in creative play; treating each other nicely rather than hitting or name-calling; learning to be responsible and dependable; and cleaning up after themselves. These are worth battling for because they all have an impact on the formation of their characters.
So, before you get on your child’s case because you’re not a big fan of the shoes she’s wearing or he’s making a huge mess in his room but he’s having a great time, ask yourself if it’s really worth fighting about. Will your son have to pick up his mess? Of course. Should you instruct your daughter in choosing appropriate shoes so she knows how to dress herself someday when she actually cares how she looks? Sure. Giving your children choices and letting them make their own decisions is a big part of growing up and learning. If they can’t make their own choices in the small things that don’t matter in the big picture, how will they be able to make decisions when it counts? Guidance and consequences are necessary, but save your battles for the big things.
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Do you pick your battles or do you find yourself constantly on your child’s case?
* Cross-posted on Parenting By Trial and Error
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Sarah is a freelance writer and mom of four, one of whom is a newly-minted kindergartner as of last week. She is currently suffering from extreme baby fever, made both better and worse by her sister’s brand new baby boy. With a close-to-her-heart health article in the works, a blog she’s passionate about, and a variety of other projects, Sarah is completely and utterly in love with her chosen career path. She also hates talking about herself in the third person, but does it on appropriate occasions, such as this one.