Do you apologize to your kids?
I was browsing through Tweets today for a bit when I ran across a link someone had posted to what was presumably a blog post. It was entitled, “Do you apologize to your kids?” I didn’t follow the link because I wanted to write my own thoughts on the subject without any other input.
My answer is yes, I do apologize to my kids. I’m sure there are plenty of parents out there who think that it shows weakness to tell their kids they’re sorry, but I believe it’s just the opposite. Parents need to worry less about appearing weak and more about being a good example for their kids. Decent, compassionate human beings apologize when they hurt someone or otherwise wrong them.
If I yell at my kids or lose my temper for no good reason, I apologize. I say, “Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you when I shouldn’t have. I’m feeling really crabby right now and everything is getting on my nerves, but that’s still no excuse to yell,” or something to that effect. In one short lesson I’m teaching them that A. it’s good and necessary to apologize when appropriate; B. even though we all feel irritable sometimes, that doesn’t give us the right to treat anyone with any less respect than they should be treated; and C. I’m human too and I mess up on occasion (well, more than that, but they don’t need to hear a list of all my transgressions).
I do not, however, apologize when I yell at them because they aren’t listening or when I discipline them because they chose to misbehave. Those things are just part of parenting and apologies aren’t necessary. I’m talking about saying I’m sorry because I acted in a way I wouldn’t approve of them acting. It may be easy to think, “Well, I’m the adult, I shouldn’t have to apologize,” but it’s not about us being the authority figures; again, it’s about us being good examples of how a person should behave. When we mess up, it’s our responsibility to teach our kids how to rectify the situation as much as possible.
How about you? Do you apologize to your kids?
*originally posted at Parenting By Trial and Error
17. November 2009 at 6:42 am :
Yes, I apologize to my kids. I apologize to them because my own mother NEVER apologized to us, no matter how wrong she was. My father did, though. When I was an adult, she admitted to me that she never apologized to us because she didn’t want us to see she was weak or could be wrong. She felt it would compromise her authority. I’ve never wanted my kids to see me as anything but human. I want them to know it is OK to be human, OK to make mistakes and OK to admit those mistakes and apologize for them.
Another thing I learned–inversely–from my mother, is to accept an apology simply and with grace. We were bullied into apologizing to her (even when we weren’t sure what for) and rewarded with a very long lecture detailing just how wrong we’d been. We HATED apologizing. When my children apologize to me, I briefly clarify what the apology was for (to make sure we’re on the same page, especially with little ones) and the incident is dropped. My kids are good at apologizing. Sometimes they want to talk about the incident afterwards. I’m good at apologizing, too. It makes all of us feel much better!
2. December 2009 at 10:09 pm :
If I make an “apologizable (is that a word??) mistake” (which I do) - I own up to it… Honesty is very important.
Then I apologize.
That’s how I was raised, and that is how I raise my children.
Teach by example.
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BTW… Interesting site! Do you have many active Dads??
24. December 2009 at 1:26 pm :
Oh, I apologize to my kids all right! I wish I never had to, but reality is that I do get impatient sometimes, and sometimes I blame the wrong child for something, or misunderstand a situation. And even if the child DID do something wrong, yelling is not nice. Would an adult like to be yelled at? I remember when I worked as a receptionist long ago, and my boss yelled at me for some stupid reason, and I was so humiliated. So no matter what they do, I have to be responsible for the way I react, and if I react with yelling, they deserve an apology. They also need to know that no matter what they do, I still love them.
18. January 2010 at 1:06 pm :
I am a Mom to 15 kids and preggo with #16.
I am apologizing all the time, I think I must set the example, if I am wrong I must admit it, if I can’t admit then how in the world will they ever admit mistakes back to me. I expect respect from my children, so I show them respect, I respect their thoughts, life, friends, even when they say life is hard, it is for them at that age, and I always admit when I am wrong, so they see Mom can do it, so can I.