We’ve had discussions on the whole baby fever phenomenon before here, most recently from Meagan on being “done.” I’ve posted about it a couple times on my own blog, the most recent being just 2 short weeks ago.
And now I’m suffering AGAIN! Only it’s much, much worse this time.
This weekend we had an extended family get-together with camping in the backyard, s’mores around the campfire and Baby Luke, who is now a whopping 5 weeks old. I happily hogged Luke the entire time, only giving him back to his mom when he needed to eat and letting my youngest son, who is equally obsessed with babies, and my daughter hold him for a few minutes before I impatiently took him back. I was on an infant-induced high, snuggling Luke’s little body, smelling his sweet little head, patting his bottom as he fell asleep.
It’s not like having another baby is even an option for me at this point. Number one, I’m divorced. Number two, even if I were to get back together with my ex, he got snipped just before Logan, our youngest, was born. Number three, Logan is starting kindergarten this fall. Even if I got pregnant today, he’d be 6 by the time a new baby arrived and it’d almost be like starting a whole ‘nother family. Number four, I already have four kids, which is plenty. It’s two more than I planned to have.
And yet, I long for another baby like my dog yearns for the steak we’re eating. It’s ridiculous.
It doesn’t help that Logan, too, thinks we need another baby and tells me so. Often. Actually, he insists that we need two more. He absolutely adores babies, both real and imagined. He still pretends his stuffed animals are all babies and treats them as such, using his “baby voice” to speak for them. The entire time Baby Luke was there, that’s all Logan talked about. When it was time to leave, he started to cry and said, “But I’ll miss Luke!”
Perhaps my recent extra-vicious baby-coveting stems from the fact that Logan is, as I said, starting kindergarten in the fall. I’m truly traumatized about it. A few years ago I thought the day would never come when all my kids would be in school full-time, but now that it’s almost here, I’m broken-hearted. It’s the end of me trying to work with Logan chattering away, while the other kids are at school. My baby is growing up. I’m going to be a wreck when he gets on that bus for the first time.
Career-wise, it’s a God-send. Since I’m a work-from-home freelance writer, the kids being gone five days a week will give me amazing amounts of time to work uninterrupted. As far as my working life goes, another baby would royally mess that right up. Yet another great reason why I can’t and shouldn’t have any more.
So why am I so sad that I’m “done?”
Here’s my baby (Logan, age 5-1/2) holding Baby Luke this weekend:
Do you have or occasionally get baby fever? How do you deal with it? How do you know you’re “done?”
Sarah is the mother of 11-year-old twin girls, who will be starting 6th grade/middle school this fall; a nearly-7-year old boy going into first grade; and the aforementioned kindergartner, Logan. She refuses to think about how few days are left until school starts, when her life will begin a new, somewhat unwelcome, phase. Sarah blogs most weekdays at Parenting By Trial and Error.
After the post: Se7en things I Never Thought About Before Having a Baby… I got a heap of comments of folk asking me “What about siblings?” And since we have a few siblings I thought I would write about our experiences…I do want to mention that this is what works for our family. Take what you like and use it. Please leave the rest behind you!
- How will I ever love this new baby as much as the first one?Amazingly enough you will! When you have your first baby you cannot imagine that you could love anything quite as much - ever again. And we also think that the next baby will be some variation of the first one and we love the first one just as it is so we could never love a variation. Here’s the thing: The next baby and all the ones that follow are their own unique selves and you love them totally for who they are. You love them all completely and you love them all uniquely. You won’t believe me on this one, but ask any mother with more than one child if this is true and if they worried wether they would love the next one enough. I think it is one of those universal inherited fears - like snakes!!!
- How do I make sure that my relationship with my firstborn doesn’t change?It will change, you are changing the whole family dynamic and everyone’s relationship will change and how you all fit together will change. And it will take a little time for everyone to adjust. Change isn’t necessarily bad, just a bit terrifying! Now here is the thing: Your first born is the most beautiful teeny tiny baby in the whole world. If they do something wrong no amount of excuses will do: it’s okay they are tired, they need a snack or whatever. Your new baby will arrive (you know the one that you won’t be able to love enough!) and it will be your teeny tiny baby - your toddler will seem monstrously huge… their little hands will suddenly seem gigantic compared to the baby - trust me this always gets me! And shockingly enough the excuses that worked in your mind for your toddler will just kind of dry up! And this will be a bit of a shocker for both of you. The first time I had a newborn and a toddler I was appalled that I was no longer quite so tolerant of all those little annoyances from my firstborn. And this happened overnight - no gradual change here… baby born and boom. In fact I found myself annoyed when my, until hours before, perfect toddler suddenly appeared to be somewhat irritating! You will love the next one but your love for the first one will change - trust me it is just a new phase in your relationship. Your relationship won’t be marred for life. Don’t be terrified (even though I was!) because your relationship with your child is going to change as they grow up and you aren’t loving them any less but you do love them differently. Most relationship changes happen slowly and we don’t notice them, I think it is the suddenness of this change that knocked me for a loop. That being said, I certainly didn’t stop loving them totally and completely! I think it just maybe one of the first steps in the long line and millions of steps it takes to a growing a well-rounded adult person.
- How can I prepare my first child for the next one?This is all about marketing and there will be a lot of well meaning adults around you saying to your child:
“Oh shame, you are going to have to share all your toys now.”
“Oh shame, your mom is going to be so busy with a new baby now.”
“You are going to have a new friend to play with now.”
In fact a whole lot of “Oh shame’s” will flow and no wonder the poor kid won’t be too keen on the whole idea. We sell it to them right from the start. We are going to have a new baby and its going to be wonderful. You will have the opportunity to teach it all your tricks, you will be able to love it and share with it. I don’t know why sharing is seen as such a negative thing. I love sharing things with people I love and so should my kids. I don’t spend my life saying: “Now children - do share,”but when I share something with them I will say: “Isn’t it fun to share this snack together,”"Isn’t it fun to share this blanket while we are reading together.” Really I don’t know why sharing is sold to kids in such a bad light, except maybe that the adults don’t like to share. Otherwise, the new mom will be busy with the baby but most likely the whole family will be consumed with the new baby and just like cooking and cleaning if you involve your toddler they are all for it. And finally, the playmate - hahahaha - they are not getting a new playmate - have you ever seen a newborn… they are not that playful folks! They like to be held, they like to nurse and they like to sleep. The advantage of that is that newborns are not born able to crawl around and fiddle with the toddlers stuff. In fact that doesn’t happen for quite a while and when it does happen it happens incrementally, which kind of lessens the blow.
- How can I involve my toddler with the new baby?Give your toddler a very important job to do. Toddlers are earnest and serious about helping - don’t mess with that by giving them a job that is too much responsibility or a job that is too difficult for them. No, holding baby wipes while you change a nappy/diaper is not a good job - it’s a useless job and any toddler will see through it straight away. Along with all the other jobs people will suggest for your firstborn. Knowing that I will be spending a lot of time nursing and knowing a new baby will need to nurse at the drop of a hat. Our very important job is to teach our toddlers that when the baby cries, grimaces, gurgles whatever (and they will be watching the new baby very closely!) they must tell you immediately that the baby needs to nurse. That way they have told themselves that you are about to nurse and they have gone a long way to ensuring that the new baby gets the comfort it needs. Your baby may not need to nurse: it may be cold or need a fresh diaper or whatever… you obviously assess that! But your toddler has a very important job that will often get visitors out the way, folk off the phone and so on - so that you can actually tend to your baby. The other very important job you can give your toddler is let it open all the baby gifts - many adult gift givers will say “no, its for the baby” - pretty dumb!!!, I have never seen a newborn baby open gifts. But it is a job your toddler can do to help the baby and they will enjoy finding surprises for the baby! Everyone wins.
- What do I do with my toddler while I am busy with the baby?Good question, I never gave this one a thought! Oh what mayhem! When you are settled in your favorite chair and you and your new baby are snuggled in for a good long nurse - you absolutely cannot have your toddler roaming the home especially the kitchen unattended - they can get up to all manner of madness in moments (you know feed the goldfish an entire years supply of food all at once and then decorate the entire lounge while using a lovely shaker action with the fish food dispenser - this would never happen in my house of course - hehehe!!!). Apart from the fact that it just isn’t safe. Obviously I made this error!!! and had a toddler roaming the home every time I sat down to nurse. What I learnt was to sit where they are playing to nurse, if need be put a chair in the room where they play (I use a folding camp chair that can roam from room to room) and then shut the door with all of you on the same side of the door. After a couple of weeks your toddler will get used to you sitting in one spot, your baby will nurse more efficiently and things will get back to normal!
- How do I make sure that both children’s needs are met? How do I share my love?Firstly, keep in mind that your toddler was very recently a baby! When the baby needs a new nappy then your toddler either needs a new nappy or a trip to the toilet (trust me everything works together now!). When your baby is hungry then your toddler needs a snack - and when folks ask how they can help you - you need snacks. Let’s say that again: You need snacks… make it a rule if someone visits and asks if you need anything. You do, you do need snacks! Moving on, if your baby is tired then your toddler probably needs some down time too! If you are still nursing your toddler (and many moms are and that’s a-whole-nother post!) then when your baby wants to nurse then your toddler who may not have nursed during the day for ages, will now need to nurse too. This mad nursing frenzy from the toddler will pass as soon as it realizes that it can nurse when it wants to. What you can do is pre-empt the needs of your baby as soon as you notice it is jiggling and meet the needs of the toddler quickly, because the needs of a baby take so much longer and trying to care for a baby with a VERY needy toddler can be exhausting. I know most books say baby first then toddler, but if you have ever tried to nurse a new baby with toddler that wants a snack hanging on you. Well you will soon realize: take a second to get the snack and then feed the baby - everyone will be happier. As for sharing the love you aren’t, they each have their own love. But if you do stuff with your toddler already and you enjoy doing things together then don’t stop those things when a new baby arrives. You will have hours sitting and nursing but you can still build towers, read books and scoot cars while nursing. You can still go for walks together, even if it is just in your own garden or to the park - everyone will feel better for the fresh air.
- How will a new baby fit into our routine, we are so busy as it is?Whatever you do, I would not recommend changing anything in the name of the new baby! No new big kid bed (unless you do that when you are two weeks pregnant!), no removing of baby equipment that your toddler feels ownership over! What we do is we put baby stuff away as soon as our baby is finished with it (like the infant car seat) and then bring out all new and interesting for the new baby… If you absolutely have to change baby kit from one baby to the next, make sure you have a replacement item for your toddler and make sure you don’t “blame” the baby - any other excuse will do! Whatever your ancient second cousin twice removed tells you - do not suddenly toilet train your toddler because you can’t cope with two in nappies/diapers. You can, but it is very hard to chase a desperate toddler to the toilet when you have a newborn. If your toddler isn’t three or hasn’t trained themselves yet - leave it (yet another whole post!). And, no your toddler will not go to university in nappies. Worry about the things you have to! If your toddler still nurses to sleep at night then make sure that before you get ready for an hour long nurse with the newborn you let the toddler have it’s two minute nurse … you will all be happier, you and your entire neighborhood, that the toddler nursed quickly first!
Finally: Just for fun I made a list of the preparation I did for each baby as it arrives - look and learn!!! You will see how my needs changed and wisdom grew from baby to baby!
- For the first baby: I took my super fitness for granted. It was all about learning about labor and accumulating enough clothes to dress an orphanage and laundry, laundry, laundry - every sheet, every towel, every blanket, every everything!
- For the second baby: It was all about food and meals. We got a chest freezer and I slowly but surely packed it with meals the entire pregnancy! I re-read all my favorite pregnancy and birth books.
- For the third baby: It was all about preparing the older two. I put the pregnancy books next to my bed. And forgot we had a freezer!
- For the fourth baby: It was all about snacks and I never took the pregnancy books off the shelf. I sold the freezer I could use the money elsewhere and certainly could save on our electricity bill.
- For the fifth baby: It was all about fatigue I lay on my bed and read dr suess books for the last month!… I did no preparation, but this guy did weigh in at about 11 pounds. And I would have prepared newborn clothes in vain!!!
- For the sixth baby: I did a lot of walking to keep my body in shape. And don’t forget heaps of snacks.
- For the se7enth baby: I swam and swam through mid-summer and spent the last few months lurking round the pool in the effort to survive a mid-summer pregnancy… turns out I was really quite fit.
The fitter you are the easier your labour and the quicker your recovery, not to mention the easier it is to cope with an active toddler or two or three!That’s it - really, but I should mention we always have a welcome to the world party. Just for us, new parents again, new siblings… And it is something special my kids look forward to from baby to baby. It certainly helps in the build up to the birth. We will have a party as soon as the baby arrives. It emphasizes the happiness and the celebration of the change of status for everyone!
Years, ago, I was a jr. high youth leader at the church my then boyfriend (now husband) and I attended. Michelle was one of my “youth group girls.” Fast forward about a hundred years, we are both married, have five kids, and are, miraculously, the same age!
When I read Michelle’s blog post this morning, I nodded and smiled, then literally laughed out loud. Her post is something that every mom, especially those of us who are “moms of many” can completely relate to.
Do yourself a favor — check out McGuyver Mom. You’ll thank me for the laugh!
One argument we so often hear against having lots of kids is the old “but how will you pay for college?” argument.
I’ve tackled that topic in an essay I wrote for Babble.com, in which I admit: I probably won’t.
Most of the comments (so far) have been well-reasoned, but of course there are a few of the typical “How can you justify having so many kids if you can’t pay for college?” (never mind that plenty of parents of 1 or 2 kids find themselves in the position of not being able to pay for it — or willing to go into debt for it.)
As I said in response to one commenter who suggested that I conjured up this opinion to justify my family size:
“I actually started thinking this way about 1/2 way through my freshman year of college. As I’ve gotten older and wiser, many of my viewpoints from that time of my life have changed, but this one has not.
I certainly didn’t wake up one day, say “Oh no, I have all these kids and not enough money to pay for them! I better conjure up a worldview to justify it!”
However, you are right in a way: this opinion definitely did factor in when I considered whether or not I felt I could afford to have a large family. “
I’d love your feedback on my essay from a larger-family perspective. Do you plan on paying for school? If not, did knowing ahead of time that you wouldn’t be footing the whole bill allow you to feel open to having more kids than you otherwise would have?
(originally posted at http://losingmycrackers.blogspot.com/)
I’ve added something new to my diet this week — green smoothies. You see, all of my family members really like Naked juice (even my non fruit and veggie eater) but at $3.99 a bottle, well seriously, do you think I can afford that? So in my ongoing quest to easily and affordably get healthy food into our diet, I’ve begun making green smoothies.
My first attempt was successful. The end result was a blender full of thick green … stuff … that looked and smelled like smooshed up kiwis (it was actually 2 bananas, an orange, a whole lot of fresh spinach and about 2 cups of water). All but two of my family members tried it and they all liked it well enough to have more.
Years ago, I worked at Byerly’s restaurant. A few of my coworkers, when bored, would experiment with making various concoctions of “blender salad.” Who knew just how ahead of their time they really were?
My latest green smoothie attempt, unfortunately, will go in the record book as “combinations to avoid.” It all sounded good as I was putting it in the blender … bananas, blueberries, a peach and romaine lettuce. In fact, several of the suggested combinations of fruit/greens listed romaine lettuce. Let me tell you … it was the color of mud. Plenty of tasty things are the color of mud - meatloaf, chocolate, iced coffee even. Cold, sweet (and thick) romaine lettuce tasting smoothie that is the color of mud … not so tasty.
After moping for a few days, I’m ready to try again. I have lettuce, chard, beet greens and spinach in the garden ready to be picked, and a bunch of fruit in the refrigerator all waiting to be made into more blender salads green smoothies.
LaShawn’s post on Just a mom … reminded me of how all of us moms seem to be really good at feeling guilty. Feeling guilty about not getting things done. Feeling guilty about the kids acting up in the supermarket. Feeling guilty about not being supermom while everyone else is. Feeling guilty about many things which are not within our control, or don’t matter in the long run.
Over the years, I have slowly learned to stop feeling guilty and instead show loving kindness towards myself. Just like I easily show loving kindness to my friends, when they mess up, or aren’t perfect, I am now expanding it to love myself. To accept myself the way I am. With all my failures and imperfections. But also with all my love and accomplisments.
I am learning that feeling guilty is just silly. I expect myself to be perfect. I am not. I expect my kids to be perfect. They are not. Instead of feeling guilty, I now feel loving kindness and accept myself and everyone else the way we are. It has made life better for me. When it works, that is ^^
Instead of being disappointed at myself for not doing ‘all that I should’, I set up goals and accomplish them by taking baby steps. I state what I want and take small steps towards it. Even one or two small steps every day do get me there. Instead of focusing on all the things I didn’t do today, I focus on the things I did do. Even if they are small and seem insignificant.
Slowly I move forwards, building a new life and loving myself. I let go of the guilt which is trying to hang on to me, and instead celebrate the baby and toddler steps I have made. I relish how far I have come in just a few years. I set up new goals to accomplish, big ones and small ones and enjoy my life and my family.
What are some things you have accomplished by taking baby steps?
Karen is a single mom of seven, living in New England, blogging at Our Deer Baby. She loves geocaching, gardening and go and wishes she could increase the number of hours in her days to 42 instead of 24.
Folk often ask how I get anything done with all my kids milling around… and I think they mean beyond the everyday-ness of cleaning, clothing and feeding kids. Those things happen but we manage to do a whole lot of other stuff apart from the mundane and I thought I would blog a few ideas, se7en tips that spring to mind and work for us.Some projects are a lot more fun for everyone and some are pure drag - some people love sorting and clearing clutter and others would do arts and crafts till the cows come home - we all have our strengths and weaknesses and we need to take that into account! Some jobs are good and some are bad - the enthusiasm level is really up to me. My kids love any project… even cleaning out the garage is a blast for them.
- You Don’t Have To Lower Your Standards: When I do decide to conquer a project on our “To-Do List” I don’t ship our kids off to the country for a few days, or even to a neighbor! They are part of our family and we work together - maybe not all with the same focus and direction! I want our kids to grow up as part of life and I certainly can’t do everything while our kids are sleeping there just aren’t enough hours in a “night.” I like projects and working on tasks and I think our kids have learnt to like them alongside me. That being said as they work they learn and master new skills, we don’t have to have settle for semi-clean cars!
- Chores Will Get Done: My great epiphany here is that I discovered that chores take as long as you let them. Dinner can take over an hour to prepare or if we are busy it takes fifteen minutes to cook a pot of pasta, grate some cheese and make a salad while the pasta is cooking. We have a pretty good chore system going - it works for us, but I guess that’s a whole “nother post”
- Be Patient With Your Kids: Sometimes they just need your time and attention… more than you need to sand an old table. Sometimes a baby needs to be held, sometime you just need to pay some mindful attention and read a story. Very often a toddler needs help in the bathroom. It can be maddening when you have planned to do a project and it is thwarted by a short grumpy person or a million interruptions. In the scheme of things it doesn’t really matter if you have to wait another day for completeness.Otherwise kids have a pretty short attention span - use this to your advantage. My kids are usually unstoppably there to begin with and then wander off midway and then are back for the grand finale. The one or two that linger throughout tend to be really keen and so can be given tasks to really help.
- Don’t Try And Build A Barn: I once read a sporting book and the athletes were told to rest the day before a big race so the one chap didn’t run but helped his extended family to raise a barn. Needless to say his performance wasn’t exactly optimal!!! And we have an expression in our house: “Don’t build a barn.” This is the hardest thing for me, I like to start and finish in a day I am prepared to miss food and sleep in order to get a job done but a number of other people in our family don’t have this drive - just where did that work ethic go!!! Some jobs take weeks and I have had to learn to accept that. And while I like to conquer and declutter the whole house in a a day I have learnt to do it bit by bit… Start enough to finish in a day and leave it at that.
- Keep The Basics Running Smoothly: Our house has a routine that we rock too and it is far easier to just keep going with that flow than to re-arrrange everything for a project. If you are planning an all day project, like a major garden frenzy then think about snacks and lunch before you get going so that at three pm when your workers are dropping like flies you don’t say: “I wonder what we should have for lunch?”
- Planning Works Better For Us: I used to start a project and just ramble on with it. You know, rake some leaves and then that would lead to weeding, digging cutting rearranging, planting and… before you know it we would have a whole new garden in a day. Now I need to plan for success. I need to plan what we are going to do and I need to share the plan and if it is a long arduous task then there needs to be a tangible reward for all of us.
- Set Yourself Up to Succeed: What I have done is amend our “To-Do List” to something more realistic. Instead of thinking that I need to do every craft that I see and try every craft that I come across I can just appreciate someone else’s work. We had so many crafty projects pending that I was burdened with guilt. You would be amazed how a pile of pottery waiting to be painted can stop you from ever getting onto other things! I was saving a couple of projects for a rainy day only on rainy days we never got to them we were far too busy building forts and reading books. I passed them on and we were free of the burden!
- Keep It Light: The idea of “help” from little people can often send me reeling to the couch with the threat of never ever starting a project again. Needless to say you have to take the help from whence it comes, so to speak, and pop that into your plan of action! If you are planning to rearrange the furniture I have to first consult folk! If you want to declutter a room I have found that my kids are very eager to help as soon as I mention that other people, that live very near by, have no toys - then it is easier: decluttering with a purpose!
That’s it! Don’t despair things can get done and if they don’t well make sure you are far too busy having fun to get them done!