A few years ago, my kids and I made friends with another family. We brought our husbands along occasionally, but it was mostly the women and children getting together on a regular basis. We met the summer our 5th child was born, and she was expecting her 8th child. We would go over to their house once month or so at first, and eventually we’d meet every week to play tennis while the kids played in the park. The kids and we mothers got to be pretty close.
They moved right after our 6th child was born.
Our oldest children in particular felt the sting–they lost their best friends, after all. We have tried to get them together for the 3 years they have been apart. But every time we try to do that, the younger children grumble. Now they’ve taken to saying, “We haven’t seen them since 2007!” The older children have more mobility. They have come to visit on their own, so the little children do have a point.
This Christmas, we planned a trip for the whole family to have a short visit, drop off the older kids for a longer visit, and pick them up on New Year’s Day, again allowing the younger children to get together. But the weather didn’t cooperate. We didn’t want to drive on the icy roads past Lake Michigan, of all things, risking being stranded with a car full of 6 kids.
So we put the big kids on the train. We couldn’t please all the children, and couldn’t bear making them all miserable. What would you do in this situation? How do you make all the kids happy?
It is easy for me to say that September 11, 2001 was one of the most profound days of my life. I remember getting up that morning to get ready for work and turning on the news. I lived in California at the time and it was really early in the morning. I watched as The Today Show hosts talked about what seemed to be a tragic accident in which an airplane crashed into one of the towers of the World Trade Center. I then watched live as the second plane hit and knew everything was somehow different now. I instantly knew that something was very wrong.
My oldest son was only 19 months old on that day and I remember not wanting to drop him off at daycare. I wanted to take him back home with me and crawl into bed and hope that it was all a nightmare.
How do you explain a day like that to a young child? How do you explain such evil to anyone?
When Austin was six years old, his school was going to celebrate “Patriot Day” which prompted our conversation. It was the conversation I had been preparing for, yet dreading for 5 years.
Austin: Mom, what is National Patriot Day?
Me: Well, it is a day to remember what it is to be an American and to honor some special people.
Austin: So is it like the 4th of July?
Me: Sort of. The 4th of July is to celebrate our country’s birthday.
Austin: Oh, so what people do we honor on patriot day?
Me (realizing I need to just tell him about 9/11 before he hears it on the news and gets confused): Well, back on September 11, 2001 something happened. You were just a baby so you don’t remember it. Some very bad men took over some airplanes.
Austin: What do you mean, took over?
Me: They took control of the planes away from the pilots and started to fly them by themselves.
Austin: OK
Me: Those bad men then crashed the planes into two buildings in New York called the World Trade Center. They also crashed one into a building in Washington and another one crashed into a field.
Austin: Why would they do that?
Me (tears coming to my eyes): I don’t know Austin. I wish I did know. See these people don’t like America and they wanted to hurt us. The two towers fell down and a lot of people on the planes and in the buildings died. It was a very, very sad day.
Austin: So Patriot day is about honoring those people?
Me: Yes, it is about honoring those people and their families.
Austin: Then I guess I better pray for their families on Patriot day. I bet they miss them.
Me (about to completely lose it): I think that would be a very nice thing.
LaShawn blog about her family and her photography at Frazzled LaShawn.
This afternoon is the beginning of the end. Or maybe just the beginning.
Usually our schedules all overlap to some degree, but other times, they collide.
Today is one such day.
This afternoon is the Ice Cream Social and Meet Your Teacher day at the elementary school where my three youngest attend school. Now, one could argue that more folks might be able to attend if it was not in the middle of the afternoon and instead, well, after work. But I digress. It’s been this way since the beginning of time, and we will be there. With $8,500 worth of school supplies, ready to go.
At just about the time that I am splitting apart into one mom who can simultaneously meet three teachers in three different classrooms (it’s one of my many superpowers), the whistle will blow and the kickoff will take place at my son’s very first ever high school football game. I’ll be there, but not for the kickoff. He had better not do anything spectacular or life threatening in my absence or he is in SO much trouble.
Lastly, less you think I’m getting off easy today, my sixteen year old has her first conference meet of the season. Her swim season last year was riddled with injuries and she’s worked very hard to get back in shape and healthy again. Today’s is a meet that I should be at.
So what’s a mom to do?
I’m very blessed to have a husband who gets to the kids events as much as possible. But the fact is, my work schedule is far more forgiving and flexible than his is. So … we’ll do the best that we can. I suspect that by the time the girls and I get to the football field Rob will already be there on the sideline cheering the team on. And I have a hunch that I’ll hear all about my daughter’s swim meet - the good, the bad and all the teenage female drama - when she gets home and starts ransacking the kitchen for something to eat (which, unfortunately, reminds me that I have nothing planned for dinner).
We’re significantly out numbered here, Rob and I. How do we do it all? With great difficulty, most of the time. But we wouldn’t have it any other way.
One thing I’ve learned about being a parent is that picking your battles is immeasurably important, otherwise you’re going to be fighting a lot of them. In fact, I’m a firm believer that this is one of the most important aspects of parenting.
I used to be guilty of getting after the kids for what now seem like silly reasons, mostly when my daughters were young. I soon realized, though, that I was spending way too much of my time saying, “No, don’t do that” and not nearly enough time enjoying my girls. I realized that this wasn’t how I wanted them to remember me and decided that before I get upset about something, I need to think about whether or not it’s really worth the battle.
This is not to say that there is no discipline in our house. Of course there is. If I want to turn out responsible, kind, reliable, honest, hard-working adults someday, there has to be discipline. I’m talking about the little things, the things that I might not particularly like or want them to do, but that just aren’t worth a battle.
When Rachel wears an outfit that doesn’t particularly match, I let her know that it doesn’t, but since it doesn’t bother her, I let her wear it. When Logan plays with PlayDoh and mixes it all together, even though I’d like him to keep the colors separate, I let him mix all he wants. When Cody insists on wearing his Spiderman costume from Halloween to bed, even though it’s ridiculously tight and coming apart, I let him wear it. My rule of thumb is that as long as their actions aren’t hurting or endangering anyone, and as long as there are no moral issues involved, I will let them do it. Since I don’t get on their cases for everything, they listen better when I do because they know the things I do fight for are important.
Battles worth fighting are ones such as what TV shows my kids watch; how much time they spend watching TV and playing on the computer versus how much time they spend in creative play; treating each other nicely rather than hitting or name-calling; learning to be responsible and dependable; and cleaning up after themselves. These are worth battling for because they all have an impact on the formation of their characters.
So, before you get on your child’s case because you’re not a big fan of the shoes she’s wearing or he’s making a huge mess in his room but he’s having a great time, ask yourself if it’s really worth fighting about. Will your son have to pick up his mess? Of course. Should you instruct your daughter in choosing appropriate shoes so she knows how to dress herself someday when she actually cares how she looks? Sure. Giving your children choices and letting them make their own decisions is a big part of growing up and learning. If they can’t make their own choices in the small things that don’t matter in the big picture, how will they be able to make decisions when it counts? Guidance and consequences are necessary, but save your battles for the big things.
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Do you pick your battles or do you find yourself constantly on your child’s case?
* Cross-posted on Parenting By Trial and Error
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Sarah is a freelance writer and mom of four, one of whom is a newly-minted kindergartner as of last week. She is currently suffering from extreme baby fever, made both better and worse by her sister’s brand new baby boy. With a close-to-her-heart health article in the works, a blog she’s passionate about, and a variety of other projects, Sarah is completely and utterly in love with her chosen career path. She also hates talking about herself in the third person, but does it on appropriate occasions, such as this one.
Years, ago, I was a jr. high youth leader at the church my then boyfriend (now husband) and I attended. Michelle was one of my “youth group girls.” Fast forward about a hundred years, we are both married, have five kids, and are, miraculously, the same age!
When I read Michelle’s blog post this morning, I nodded and smiled, then literally laughed out loud. Her post is something that every mom, especially those of us who are “moms of many” can completely relate to.
Do yourself a favor — check out McGuyver Mom. You’ll thank me for the laugh!
When I was talking to the New York Times reporter a couple of weeks ago, we were discussing the differences between the portrayal of large families on TV now as opposed to twenty or thirty years ago. Jon and Kate plus 8, the Duggar family, other TLC shows featuring larger-than-average families in very unusual situations…love ‘em or hate ‘em, they just don’t reflect family life as the vast majority of us know it. People look at the Duggars who are having far more children than most people ever would and whose reasoning puts them firmly in a category many find totally unthinkable, and Jon & Kate who had far more babies at once than most people ever would or could, and get the idea that people have big families only as a medical anomaly or for bizarre reasons (that’s not to say, by the way, that I think having lots of kids for religious reasons is bizarre, but many people definitely do). The fact is that there are very few (perhaps zero) shows featuring larger-than-average families living normal, average family lives most of the audience can relate to (whether or not they have large families themselves).
“Where’s our Cosby show?” I asked the reporter. “Where’s our Eight is Enough?” Heck, even Family Ties, one of my childhood favorites, featured a family of four kids (by the time the youngun came around). If there’s a show out there now like that, I don’t know of it.
But then it occurred to me that it’s not just normal large-family life that’s missing from prime time these days: it’s ANY normal family life. Is there even such a thing as a family sitcom anymore? You remember, the sort you’d gather with your parents and siblings to watch at 8 PM on Thursday, the kind where your mom and dad never had to cringe or cover your eyes/ears and nobody had to clear their throats in embarrassment because the subject matter wasn’t really suited to a mixed audience? Nowadays, there are hardly any sitcoms left anyway, and what there are have been firmly relegated to one audience or the other. You’ve got your preteen/teen shows and your grownup shows. The grownup shows are usually far too mature in content for kids to watch and the preteen/teen shows are an insufferable excuse for entertainment that I’d rather nobody in my family watched, least of all my kids. Then there are the reality shows like American Idol, Dancing With The Stars, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition that many families have begun tuning into on weekday evenings. That’s fine, if you like reality shows, but I am not a huge fan. I’d much rather have a TV family to get invested in again, to laugh with and watch go through normal family problems and issues with my kids just like my parents and siblings watched with me.
TV networks: I promise you, if you bring back the family sitcom, I will watch. Sure, it may not be as consistently good as the Cosby show (those are big shoes to fill) and it likely won’t feature a big family, but at this point, I’m not picky. Forget Family Ties, I’d even take a Growing Pains. Heck maybe even a Diff’rent Strokes. The point is, I want something relatively wholesome I can watch WITH my kids, where the point is people living their lives rather than losing weight, becoming a star, or winning a bunch of money. I want to laugh with the foibles of a normal, loveable, imperfect but completely (okay, almost completely) believable family again.
Surely I can’t be the only one?
–When Meagan Francis isn’t mourning the loss of the Huxtables and hunting for reruns on Nick at Nite, she’s blogging about life as an author with soon-to-be-five kids on her blog.
Thanks to everyone who’s followed over the links from the old largerfamilies.com! We are so excited to be in our new home and are looking forward to providing lots of great content for our readers.
To kick things off, we’re introducing a new theme: Day In The Life Tuesday! It’s just like it sounds: each Tuesday, our bloggers will post a rundown of a typical…or not-so-typical…day in their lives. Want to join in? Head over to our message boards to post your own Day In The Life, or leave a post there or a comment here with a link back to your own blog post on the topic. Each week we’ll pick our favorite, and (with your permission) publish it on the following Day In The Life Tuesday.
Got it? Good! Any questions, feel free to e-mail me…otherwise enjoy reading about the days of our lives!