As you can probably tell, Largerfamilies.com is on a bit of a hiatus as we decide where to take the site in the future. Don’t worry, we aren’t leaving, but may be on a somewhat extended break as we decide how to move forward.
Feel free to drop Meagan a line and let me know if you have suggestions or ideas about the blog and we hope to be back up and running soon!
Ever get the feeling that an activity didn’t have your multiple children in mind? It’s like a daily experience for me. I have two children in a production of the Nutcracker. We have been so excited for them. They have been rehearsing all fall, and the performances are this weekend.
One daughter got sick yesterday–one day before the all-day rehearsal. But she rebounded, and was fine today. The other daughter got sick today. At the rehearsal.
I thought she looked peaked, but she wouldn’t talk about it. Until, “I feel sick!” I took her to the bathroom and she said she felt better. We left the dressing room area for the stage. When the soldiers came out, I thought it was odd that my daughter wasn’t there. I though she must be with the second group? I was all set to tape the other daughter’s scene when I heard, “Is Imani’s mom here? She’s sick. She’s excused.”
And that was that. Take your sick child home. But. . what about my well child? That I was about to tape? That I wanted to keep an eye on because of yesterday? I don’t think the director knew I had two children in the show.
I talked to another mother about watching my well child, and I took my sick child and her tagalong little brother home. I eventually sent my older daughter to pick up her sister, so I could watch the sick girl. What would i have done differently?
1. Not let the sick girl wear her costume. She puked on her soldier suit backstage. She must have been humiliated.
2. Left her at home? If you have older children, perfect the act of subdivision. Leave one younger, take one younger. If you have a teen driver, use them! I would have had my teen driver come and wait for the well child, or take the sick one home if we had another car.
3. Inform folks you have more than one in the show. I know someone with 3–her 3 oldest in the show. I don’t know what she would have done if one had gotten sick! But maybe she’d gotten babysitters for the day, and she would have made it work. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help–raising a large family is overwhelming at times–most times. It doesn’t make you weak to ask for help; it gives you leverage–makes you more effective. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of the sick season. I better figure out how to manage multiple schedules with sick kids!
(cross posted at team Gray!
We know we can’t do everything, so why do we try?
More importantly, why do we constantly beat ourselves up for not being able to do it all? I know there are countless times a week when I mentally berate myself for not getting X, Y and Z done. Am I alone here or is this pretty typical?
It seems like guilt is just second nature for many of us, particularly females. For me personally though, I think guilt is, sadly, one of my closest companions. Am I taking on more than I can handle? Trying to do so many things that none of them gets done very well?
Probably.
So what, if anything, can I do about this? Cut some stuff out? Start saying “no” more often? Set alarms for myself?
I haven’t figured out the solution yet.
In the meantime, I would love to find just one woman who is happy with the way she balances her life and feels relatively no guilt or regret and learn her secret. Does such a person exist? Everyone I know is over-taxed, over-scheduled, over-worked and on their way to a slow burnout.
Juggling work, family, friends, leisure time and other commitments is exhausting. I realize it’s just part of life, but there’s got to be an easier way to balance everything. My life feels very out of balance right now.
I am responsible for four school-age children during the week, making sure that everyone gets on the bus in the morning, has their homework done, takes a shower, eats good food, gets to bed at a decent time, possesses clean clothing, gets delivered and picked up from their activities and receives some semblance of personal attention in the few hours we have between school and bed time. I’m also trying to grow a business during an extremely slow economic time, which sucks up most of my extra hours with all the marketing, writing and researching.
Along with that, I do book keeping for the family business, advertising and proofreading for a scholarly journal, blog most week days, and try to maintain a humongous old farm house with 5 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, as well as a several-acre yard. Between those things, my church activities, a bit of down time here and a couple tax-return activities, including an audit, I’m having a hard time pulling it all off. It seems like I’m working almost all the time, if I’m not making meals for the kids, helping them with their homework, going to volleyball games or running errands. Even on weekends, when the kids are often at their dad’s house, I am crazy-busy.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this as I’m sure the guilt-ridden juggling act is standard for many of us. How do you cope? Do you have any special tools (Merry Maids, a planner, a weekly baby-sitter)? When you feel your life becoming unbalanced, how do you take inventory and decide what has to go?
Discuss!
*** Cross-posted on Parenting By Trial and Error.
get on the bus! NOW!
Up until this year, getting my boys off to school in the morning was a fairly simple process. Only two had school in the morning, and a bus picked them up half a block from the house. They didn’t even have to be on the bus until almost 8 AM–manageable even for non-morning-person me. William had afternoon young fives last year, so he, his little brother and I had a nice leisurely morning together before he got on the bus. And if I did miss out on sleep, Owen, the youngest boy, and I would settle down for an afternoon nap as soon as Will was gone. Easy peasy.
But this year? Things are a bit different. This year my eldest son Jacob started middle school, so he has to be on the bus by 7:15. Isaac and William, 10 and 6, both start at 8:20 but because the elementary school is within a mile, there is no bus. It’s a 10-15 minute walk with no major streets to cross and sidewalks all the way, so I’ve been having them walk it most days. But once the weather starts getting bad, that’s not always going to be an option. And since my husband works out of town most of the time, he’s not around to help out with either driving or kid-wrangling.
Sure, putting them in the car and driving them isn’t that huge a hassle, except that now we’ve also got the baby (6 months) and Owen, now three, to contend with. On the handful of days we’ve driven, something is always happening to make us late: a blowout diaper, a tantrum, a forgotten backpack.
I know, I know, this is just part of life in a larger family–at least those larger families that use school (feeling a little jealous of homeschoolers right now…). But I miss our old leisurely mornings, and I know it’s just going to get more complicated as the kids all move into different phases of their lives. Anyone out there feeling my pain? How do you deal with the school-morning shuffle?
I couldn’t hide my dismay while reading this New York Times story about families forced to downsize due to the economy–and the reactions from their children. Some of the quotes that jumped out at me:
I’m really trying to give these kids the benefit of the doubt, because hey–I know teenagers aren’t exactly known for their sense of perspective. Being dramatic and self-centered is normal to a degree. And I definitely understand being attached to a family home and not wanting to move from it. But I’m disturbed by the idea that 17- and 19-year-old kids couldn’t see beyond their own hurt and disappointment to the bigger picture. I am disturbed that they weren’t able to recognize that their parents’ financial health mattered as much as them retaining the family home. And while I know “home” is important, I hope that by the time my boys are this age, they’ll recognize that “home” is where your family is, not a physical location.
I really liked what this commenter, Anna, had to say (it’s #129 if you want to read the whole thing).
“These kids were raised with certain expectations, sense of place and identity, and stability, along with their community and peer groups, and to abruptly change those, especially during a transition period in their lives, can be hurtful.
Also seeing that many of these families seem to be separated or have gone through divorce, a sense of place and stability is especially important for these kids.
So, home is important.
That being said, an even more important central need, is that of core identity and stability. If the parents had to move, these kids may not be so traumatized if they had a stable sense of self. The families would better have built a stable core of values and strength in the family, with love, rather than built an inflated sense of value based on ’stuff’, and creating a playground for the kids.”
What do you think?
I have 6 kids, but my oldest two can babysit, so I’m spoiled. I don’t have to drag everyone everywhere. But the older two do have lives, and what with fall coming on, I find myself with the four youngest children waiting at gymnastics, the Dr., at the garage while the car is getting fixed. . .
And I am glad to have my tote. My mother in law got me this bag for Mother’s Day. I didn’t think much of it at first. I got hung up on the color. I don’t like beige anything, because it’s too close to my skin tone. I didn’t think I’d find much use for this strange skin-toned faux crocodile bag. Then I talked to my mother in law. She told me what her daughters used it for. How her younger daughter used it as a diaper bag, and how the older daughter used it as a gigantic purse. Both of them also have larger than average families–4 and 5 kids, respectively.
So I started taking the tote to gymnastics. I carried children’s books in it. I carried an extra diaper. I carried notebooks and crayons.
Now the bag is full of things I like to do with children while waiting: tangrams, incala, memory games, uno. .
And the two hour wait here just seems to fly by. The children are occupied, using their minds, and not complaining about the dreaded boring. I get to redeem the time–putting something into the children’s minds as well as building memories of how their mother used to play with them.
Great little investment, that tote.
One thing I’ve learned about being a parent is that picking your battles is immeasurably important, otherwise you’re going to be fighting a lot of them. In fact, I’m a firm believer that this is one of the most important aspects of parenting.
I used to be guilty of getting after the kids for what now seem like silly reasons, mostly when my daughters were young. I soon realized, though, that I was spending way too much of my time saying, “No, don’t do that” and not nearly enough time enjoying my girls. I realized that this wasn’t how I wanted them to remember me and decided that before I get upset about something, I need to think about whether or not it’s really worth the battle.
This is not to say that there is no discipline in our house. Of course there is. If I want to turn out responsible, kind, reliable, honest, hard-working adults someday, there has to be discipline. I’m talking about the little things, the things that I might not particularly like or want them to do, but that just aren’t worth a battle.
When Rachel wears an outfit that doesn’t particularly match, I let her know that it doesn’t, but since it doesn’t bother her, I let her wear it. When Logan plays with PlayDoh and mixes it all together, even though I’d like him to keep the colors separate, I let him mix all he wants. When Cody insists on wearing his Spiderman costume from Halloween to bed, even though it’s ridiculously tight and coming apart, I let him wear it. My rule of thumb is that as long as their actions aren’t hurting or endangering anyone, and as long as there are no moral issues involved, I will let them do it. Since I don’t get on their cases for everything, they listen better when I do because they know the things I do fight for are important.
Battles worth fighting are ones such as what TV shows my kids watch; how much time they spend watching TV and playing on the computer versus how much time they spend in creative play; treating each other nicely rather than hitting or name-calling; learning to be responsible and dependable; and cleaning up after themselves. These are worth battling for because they all have an impact on the formation of their characters.
So, before you get on your child’s case because you’re not a big fan of the shoes she’s wearing or he’s making a huge mess in his room but he’s having a great time, ask yourself if it’s really worth fighting about. Will your son have to pick up his mess? Of course. Should you instruct your daughter in choosing appropriate shoes so she knows how to dress herself someday when she actually cares how she looks? Sure. Giving your children choices and letting them make their own decisions is a big part of growing up and learning. If they can’t make their own choices in the small things that don’t matter in the big picture, how will they be able to make decisions when it counts? Guidance and consequences are necessary, but save your battles for the big things.
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Do you pick your battles or do you find yourself constantly on your child’s case?
* Cross-posted on Parenting By Trial and Error
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Sarah is a freelance writer and mom of four, one of whom is a newly-minted kindergartner as of last week. She is currently suffering from extreme baby fever, made both better and worse by her sister’s brand new baby boy. With a close-to-her-heart health article in the works, a blog she’s passionate about, and a variety of other projects, Sarah is completely and utterly in love with her chosen career path. She also hates talking about herself in the third person, but does it on appropriate occasions, such as this one.
I’ll be on MSNBC’s Dr. Nancy show at around 12:30 PM EST on Wednesday, Sept 2, talking about–you guessed it–big families! Psychologist Robin Goodman and researcher Peter Sprigg will also be on the show. I’d love to have you all tune in (if you have cable, of course) and let me know what you thought of the interview.
Sure, I could have just ignored it and let this latest “trend” story fall off everyone’s radar, but I think it speaks to a large cultural bias against mothers and children and I just couldn’t stand it. So…here’s my rebuttal, on Babble.com in which I pose this question:
“According to the cultural mythology, moms hide their depression and feelings of emptiness behind domesticity and child-rearing. The implication? Having kids isn’t “real life”, it’s just a way to escape from it for a while. Why do we question the motives surrounding the decision to have children (or not) with so much more cynicism than we do other decisions?”
Would love to hear what you think!
Do you get pregnant again and again because you love the attention and have psychological holes in need of filling?
I didn’t think so. Would love to hear what you think of this article, which quotes me, but leaves so much out.