As you can probably tell, Largerfamilies.com is on a bit of a hiatus as we decide where to take the site in the future. Don’t worry, we aren’t leaving, but may be on a somewhat extended break as we decide how to move forward.
Feel free to drop Meagan a line and let me know if you have suggestions or ideas about the blog and we hope to be back up and running soon!
A few years ago, my kids and I made friends with another family. We brought our husbands along occasionally, but it was mostly the women and children getting together on a regular basis. We met the summer our 5th child was born, and she was expecting her 8th child. We would go over to their house once month or so at first, and eventually we’d meet every week to play tennis while the kids played in the park. The kids and we mothers got to be pretty close.
They moved right after our 6th child was born.
Our oldest children in particular felt the sting–they lost their best friends, after all. We have tried to get them together for the 3 years they have been apart. But every time we try to do that, the younger children grumble. Now they’ve taken to saying, “We haven’t seen them since 2007!” The older children have more mobility. They have come to visit on their own, so the little children do have a point.
This Christmas, we planned a trip for the whole family to have a short visit, drop off the older kids for a longer visit, and pick them up on New Year’s Day, again allowing the younger children to get together. But the weather didn’t cooperate. We didn’t want to drive on the icy roads past Lake Michigan, of all things, risking being stranded with a car full of 6 kids.
So we put the big kids on the train. We couldn’t please all the children, and couldn’t bear making them all miserable. What would you do in this situation? How do you make all the kids happy?
Ever get the feeling that an activity didn’t have your multiple children in mind? It’s like a daily experience for me. I have two children in a production of the Nutcracker. We have been so excited for them. They have been rehearsing all fall, and the performances are this weekend.
One daughter got sick yesterday–one day before the all-day rehearsal. But she rebounded, and was fine today. The other daughter got sick today. At the rehearsal.
I thought she looked peaked, but she wouldn’t talk about it. Until, “I feel sick!” I took her to the bathroom and she said she felt better. We left the dressing room area for the stage. When the soldiers came out, I thought it was odd that my daughter wasn’t there. I though she must be with the second group? I was all set to tape the other daughter’s scene when I heard, “Is Imani’s mom here? She’s sick. She’s excused.”
And that was that. Take your sick child home. But. . what about my well child? That I was about to tape? That I wanted to keep an eye on because of yesterday? I don’t think the director knew I had two children in the show.
I talked to another mother about watching my well child, and I took my sick child and her tagalong little brother home. I eventually sent my older daughter to pick up her sister, so I could watch the sick girl. What would i have done differently?
1. Not let the sick girl wear her costume. She puked on her soldier suit backstage. She must have been humiliated.
2. Left her at home? If you have older children, perfect the act of subdivision. Leave one younger, take one younger. If you have a teen driver, use them! I would have had my teen driver come and wait for the well child, or take the sick one home if we had another car.
3. Inform folks you have more than one in the show. I know someone with 3–her 3 oldest in the show. I don’t know what she would have done if one had gotten sick! But maybe she’d gotten babysitters for the day, and she would have made it work. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help–raising a large family is overwhelming at times–most times. It doesn’t make you weak to ask for help; it gives you leverage–makes you more effective. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of the sick season. I better figure out how to manage multiple schedules with sick kids!
(cross posted at team Gray!
I was browsing through Tweets today for a bit when I ran across a link someone had posted to what was presumably a blog post. It was entitled, “Do you apologize to your kids?” I didn’t follow the link because I wanted to write my own thoughts on the subject without any other input.
My answer is yes, I do apologize to my kids. I’m sure there are plenty of parents out there who think that it shows weakness to tell their kids they’re sorry, but I believe it’s just the opposite. Parents need to worry less about appearing weak and more about being a good example for their kids. Decent, compassionate human beings apologize when they hurt someone or otherwise wrong them.
If I yell at my kids or lose my temper for no good reason, I apologize. I say, “Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you when I shouldn’t have. I’m feeling really crabby right now and everything is getting on my nerves, but that’s still no excuse to yell,” or something to that effect. In one short lesson I’m teaching them that A. it’s good and necessary to apologize when appropriate; B. even though we all feel irritable sometimes, that doesn’t give us the right to treat anyone with any less respect than they should be treated; and C. I’m human too and I mess up on occasion (well, more than that, but they don’t need to hear a list of all my transgressions).
I do not, however, apologize when I yell at them because they aren’t listening or when I discipline them because they chose to misbehave. Those things are just part of parenting and apologies aren’t necessary. I’m talking about saying I’m sorry because I acted in a way I wouldn’t approve of them acting. It may be easy to think, “Well, I’m the adult, I shouldn’t have to apologize,” but it’s not about us being the authority figures; again, it’s about us being good examples of how a person should behave. When we mess up, it’s our responsibility to teach our kids how to rectify the situation as much as possible.
How about you? Do you apologize to your kids?
*originally posted at Parenting By Trial and Error
I posted this on our own website as:
I thought while #8 is just two weeks old - still young enough for it all to be very fresh in my mind, I would give you some of my survival secrets… yes it is survival, no they are not secrets!!! Most baby books tackle survival from a first time mom’s perspective… but since most folk have “two point something” children then there should be quite a market for folk to know what to do with their other kids when a newborn arrives… I wrote about the jump from one kidlet to two previously Se7en Things People Ask Me About Siblings… And quite honestly it is two or more…
I think the most important thing you can do for any newborn is to have hours and hours to sit around and admire it, hold it and love it… You have months to think about how you are going to achieve this - unless you are one of those urban legends that only discovers that they are pregnant at 38 weeks and I have yet to meet one of those!!!
Most books and articles will say “Just lower your standards” trust me when a visitor arrives and you have eight kids and you haven’t cleaned the bathroom in two weeks they won’t be telling you to lower your standards… No I don’t lower my standards but I do lower my expectations - I expect to do less and my “To Do List” after nine months of nesting is pretty much reduced to nothing but the most basic chores.
Otherwise, I have to watch other folk’s sleep as well!!! In the last month of pregnancy bed times slide as I am just too tired to get all these little ones to bed… but I am back, as are bedtimes, and they know it!!! I no longer have the fatigue of pregnancy to deal with. I have found that while the fatigue of pregnancy kills me I can cope with the fatigue of lack of sleep a whole lot better.
Here is a secret: I know I am not up to much for the first twelve weeks, my newborn needs me and shall have me. So I very carefully plan to do nothing much for the first twelve weeks and I know some of you are saying twelve weeks - gasp that’s a long time, yup it takes me twelve weeks to get my rhythm back. I know I have done it before!!! I never say as much out loud, but anything over the bare minimum in that time - like blogging for instance - is actually overachieving, way beyond my personal expectations!
That’s us - surviving our little newborn in the most delightful way. Only at two weeks he is uncrumpling, his legs are uncrumpling, his face is uncrumpling and listen to me here: newborn is so quick and fleeting, just enjoy it…
I popped this post onto the Works For Me Wednesday Site - go and have a look there for all sorts of tips on absolutely anything.
We know we can’t do everything, so why do we try?
More importantly, why do we constantly beat ourselves up for not being able to do it all? I know there are countless times a week when I mentally berate myself for not getting X, Y and Z done. Am I alone here or is this pretty typical?
It seems like guilt is just second nature for many of us, particularly females. For me personally though, I think guilt is, sadly, one of my closest companions. Am I taking on more than I can handle? Trying to do so many things that none of them gets done very well?
Probably.
So what, if anything, can I do about this? Cut some stuff out? Start saying “no” more often? Set alarms for myself?
I haven’t figured out the solution yet.
In the meantime, I would love to find just one woman who is happy with the way she balances her life and feels relatively no guilt or regret and learn her secret. Does such a person exist? Everyone I know is over-taxed, over-scheduled, over-worked and on their way to a slow burnout.
Juggling work, family, friends, leisure time and other commitments is exhausting. I realize it’s just part of life, but there’s got to be an easier way to balance everything. My life feels very out of balance right now.
I am responsible for four school-age children during the week, making sure that everyone gets on the bus in the morning, has their homework done, takes a shower, eats good food, gets to bed at a decent time, possesses clean clothing, gets delivered and picked up from their activities and receives some semblance of personal attention in the few hours we have between school and bed time. I’m also trying to grow a business during an extremely slow economic time, which sucks up most of my extra hours with all the marketing, writing and researching.
Along with that, I do book keeping for the family business, advertising and proofreading for a scholarly journal, blog most week days, and try to maintain a humongous old farm house with 5 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, as well as a several-acre yard. Between those things, my church activities, a bit of down time here and a couple tax-return activities, including an audit, I’m having a hard time pulling it all off. It seems like I’m working almost all the time, if I’m not making meals for the kids, helping them with their homework, going to volleyball games or running errands. Even on weekends, when the kids are often at their dad’s house, I am crazy-busy.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this as I’m sure the guilt-ridden juggling act is standard for many of us. How do you cope? Do you have any special tools (Merry Maids, a planner, a weekly baby-sitter)? When you feel your life becoming unbalanced, how do you take inventory and decide what has to go?
Discuss!
*** Cross-posted on Parenting By Trial and Error.
get on the bus! NOW!
Up until this year, getting my boys off to school in the morning was a fairly simple process. Only two had school in the morning, and a bus picked them up half a block from the house. They didn’t even have to be on the bus until almost 8 AM–manageable even for non-morning-person me. William had afternoon young fives last year, so he, his little brother and I had a nice leisurely morning together before he got on the bus. And if I did miss out on sleep, Owen, the youngest boy, and I would settle down for an afternoon nap as soon as Will was gone. Easy peasy.
But this year? Things are a bit different. This year my eldest son Jacob started middle school, so he has to be on the bus by 7:15. Isaac and William, 10 and 6, both start at 8:20 but because the elementary school is within a mile, there is no bus. It’s a 10-15 minute walk with no major streets to cross and sidewalks all the way, so I’ve been having them walk it most days. But once the weather starts getting bad, that’s not always going to be an option. And since my husband works out of town most of the time, he’s not around to help out with either driving or kid-wrangling.
Sure, putting them in the car and driving them isn’t that huge a hassle, except that now we’ve also got the baby (6 months) and Owen, now three, to contend with. On the handful of days we’ve driven, something is always happening to make us late: a blowout diaper, a tantrum, a forgotten backpack.
I know, I know, this is just part of life in a larger family–at least those larger families that use school (feeling a little jealous of homeschoolers right now…). But I miss our old leisurely mornings, and I know it’s just going to get more complicated as the kids all move into different phases of their lives. Anyone out there feeling my pain? How do you deal with the school-morning shuffle?
It is easy for me to say that September 11, 2001 was one of the most profound days of my life. I remember getting up that morning to get ready for work and turning on the news. I lived in California at the time and it was really early in the morning. I watched as The Today Show hosts talked about what seemed to be a tragic accident in which an airplane crashed into one of the towers of the World Trade Center. I then watched live as the second plane hit and knew everything was somehow different now. I instantly knew that something was very wrong.
My oldest son was only 19 months old on that day and I remember not wanting to drop him off at daycare. I wanted to take him back home with me and crawl into bed and hope that it was all a nightmare.
How do you explain a day like that to a young child? How do you explain such evil to anyone?
When Austin was six years old, his school was going to celebrate “Patriot Day” which prompted our conversation. It was the conversation I had been preparing for, yet dreading for 5 years.
Austin: Mom, what is National Patriot Day?
Me: Well, it is a day to remember what it is to be an American and to honor some special people.
Austin: So is it like the 4th of July?
Me: Sort of. The 4th of July is to celebrate our country’s birthday.
Austin: Oh, so what people do we honor on patriot day?
Me (realizing I need to just tell him about 9/11 before he hears it on the news and gets confused): Well, back on September 11, 2001 something happened. You were just a baby so you don’t remember it. Some very bad men took over some airplanes.
Austin: What do you mean, took over?
Me: They took control of the planes away from the pilots and started to fly them by themselves.
Austin: OK
Me: Those bad men then crashed the planes into two buildings in New York called the World Trade Center. They also crashed one into a building in Washington and another one crashed into a field.
Austin: Why would they do that?
Me (tears coming to my eyes): I don’t know Austin. I wish I did know. See these people don’t like America and they wanted to hurt us. The two towers fell down and a lot of people on the planes and in the buildings died. It was a very, very sad day.
Austin: So Patriot day is about honoring those people?
Me: Yes, it is about honoring those people and their families.
Austin: Then I guess I better pray for their families on Patriot day. I bet they miss them.
Me (about to completely lose it): I think that would be a very nice thing.
LaShawn blog about her family and her photography at Frazzled LaShawn.
I couldn’t hide my dismay while reading this New York Times story about families forced to downsize due to the economy–and the reactions from their children. Some of the quotes that jumped out at me:
I’m really trying to give these kids the benefit of the doubt, because hey–I know teenagers aren’t exactly known for their sense of perspective. Being dramatic and self-centered is normal to a degree. And I definitely understand being attached to a family home and not wanting to move from it. But I’m disturbed by the idea that 17- and 19-year-old kids couldn’t see beyond their own hurt and disappointment to the bigger picture. I am disturbed that they weren’t able to recognize that their parents’ financial health mattered as much as them retaining the family home. And while I know “home” is important, I hope that by the time my boys are this age, they’ll recognize that “home” is where your family is, not a physical location.
I really liked what this commenter, Anna, had to say (it’s #129 if you want to read the whole thing).
“These kids were raised with certain expectations, sense of place and identity, and stability, along with their community and peer groups, and to abruptly change those, especially during a transition period in their lives, can be hurtful.
Also seeing that many of these families seem to be separated or have gone through divorce, a sense of place and stability is especially important for these kids.
So, home is important.
That being said, an even more important central need, is that of core identity and stability. If the parents had to move, these kids may not be so traumatized if they had a stable sense of self. The families would better have built a stable core of values and strength in the family, with love, rather than built an inflated sense of value based on ’stuff’, and creating a playground for the kids.”
What do you think?
I have 6 kids, but my oldest two can babysit, so I’m spoiled. I don’t have to drag everyone everywhere. But the older two do have lives, and what with fall coming on, I find myself with the four youngest children waiting at gymnastics, the Dr., at the garage while the car is getting fixed. . .
And I am glad to have my tote. My mother in law got me this bag for Mother’s Day. I didn’t think much of it at first. I got hung up on the color. I don’t like beige anything, because it’s too close to my skin tone. I didn’t think I’d find much use for this strange skin-toned faux crocodile bag. Then I talked to my mother in law. She told me what her daughters used it for. How her younger daughter used it as a diaper bag, and how the older daughter used it as a gigantic purse. Both of them also have larger than average families–4 and 5 kids, respectively.
So I started taking the tote to gymnastics. I carried children’s books in it. I carried an extra diaper. I carried notebooks and crayons.
Now the bag is full of things I like to do with children while waiting: tangrams, incala, memory games, uno. .
And the two hour wait here just seems to fly by. The children are occupied, using their minds, and not complaining about the dreaded boring. I get to redeem the time–putting something into the children’s minds as well as building memories of how their mother used to play with them.
Great little investment, that tote.